Tag: feel like roommates

By Patricia Tolle, MSW, LCSW

Maybe nothing terrible happened.

There wasn’t an affair.

There wasn’t one enormous fight.

There wasn’t a moment when either of you decided to stop loving the other person.

You simply started drifting.

Work became demanding. Children needed attention. Bills had to be paid. Someone was always tired. Your conversations became mostly about schedules, responsibilities, errands, and what needed to happen next.

Eventually, you looked at each other and realized:

For many couples, this is frightening.

They wonder whether the connection is gone for good.

But emotional intimacy can often be rebuilt.

The goal is not to recreate exactly how your relationship felt when you first met.

It is to create closeness again between the two people you are today.

What Does Emotional Disconnection Feel Like?

Emotional disconnection is not always dramatic.

Sometimes it looks like silence.

Sometimes it looks like two people sitting in the same room on separate phones.

Sometimes it looks like talking all day about children, work, appointments, and responsibilities without ever really talking about yourselves.

You may still care deeply about your partner and yet feel emotionally far away from them.

You may know what they are doing every day without really knowing how they are feeling.

That is often what emotional distance looks like in a long-term relationship.

Why Couples Grow Apart

Most couples do not wake up one morning emotionally disconnected.

It usually happens slowly.

Life becomes busy.

Work takes over.

Children need attention.

Stress builds.

Physical affection decreases.

One or both partners stop sharing the small details of their day.

Conversations become mostly practical.

Unresolved hurts may begin to pile up.

Little by little, the relationship gets less attention.

Eventually, couples may begin to feel as if they are managing a household together rather than sharing a life together.

Signs You’ve Lost Emotional Intimacy

You may notice:

• Most conversations are about chores, schedules, or responsibilities.
• You rarely talk about your thoughts or feelings.
• You spend more time on your phones than talking to each other.
• Affection has decreased.
• Sex has become infrequent, mechanical, or nonexistent.
• You no longer look forward to spending time alone together.
• One or both of you feel lonely even when you’re in the same room.
• You turn to friends, family, work, or social media for connection instead of each other.
• Small attempts to connect are frequently missed or ignored.

These signs do not automatically mean the relationship is over.

They may mean the relationship has not been getting enough emotional attention.

Can Emotional Intimacy Come Back?

Yes, emotional intimacy can often return.

But it usually does not come back because of one dramatic conversation, one romantic weekend, or one perfect date night.

Emotional intimacy grows through repeated moments of attention, safety, curiosity, affection, and responsiveness.

It is rebuilt in small interactions.

• A conversation.
• A touch.
• A question.
• A moment of eye contact.
• A shared laugh.
• A partner turning toward you instead of away.

Start With Small Moments of Connection

When couples realize they have grown apart, they sometimes believe they need a major relationship makeover.

They plan an expensive trip.

They force date nights.

They try to recreate how things felt when they first fell in love.

Those things can be enjoyable, but they are not usually where emotional intimacy begins.

Start smaller.

• Sit next to each other instead of across the room.
• Have coffee together for ten minutes.
• Take a short walk.
• Put your phone down when your partner starts talking.
• Say goodbye when one of you leaves.
• Greet each other when you come home.
• Share something that happened during your day.

Relationships are built through thousands of small moments.

Reconnection happens the same way.

Become Curious About Your Partner Again

Long-term partners sometimes believe they already know everything about each other.

But people change.

Your partner today is not exactly the same person you met years ago.

Their fears may have changed.

Their goals may have changed.

Their worries may have changed.

Their needs may have changed.

Try asking questions again.

You might ask:

• What has been on your mind lately?
• What are you looking forward to?
• What has been stressing you out?
• Is there anything you wish we did more of together?
• What do you miss about us?

Try a Daily 10-Minute Check-In

Set aside ten minutes without phones, television, or other distractions.

Ask each other:

• How are you really doing today?
• What was the best part of your day?
• What was difficult today?
• Is there anything you need from me?

This is not a business meeting.

You are not reviewing chores.

You are reconnecting with your partner’s inner world.

Ten minutes of genuine attention can sometimes be more meaningful than an entire evening spent in the same room while barely interacting.

Rebuild Physical Affection Without Pressure for Sex

When physical intimacy has declined, couples sometimes avoid all physical affection because they are worried that touching will automatically create pressure for sex.

That can make the emotional distance even greater.

Start with affection that has no expectation attached to it.

• Hold hands.
• Sit close.
• Give your partner a hug.
• Touch their arm while you are talking.
• Kiss hello or goodbye.
• Rest your hand on their shoulder.

Physical closeness can help couples begin feeling connected again without creating pressure.

Sexual intimacy may eventually become part of rebuilding the relationship, but it does not need to be the first step.

Talk About the Hurt Underneath the Distance

Sometimes couples grow apart because life became busy.

Other times, emotional distance develops because there are unresolved injuries underneath it.

Resentment does not disappear simply because you schedule more date nights.

You may need to talk about:

• times one partner felt unsupported
• years of feeling unappreciated
• criticism or rejection
• sexual disconnection
• parenting conflicts
• broken promises
• family problems
• major life transitions
• grief or losses that were never fully discussed
• trust that was damaged

Reconnection sometimes requires repairing what caused the distance in the first place.

What If We Feel More Like Roommates?

Many couples describe emotional disconnection by saying:

“We feel like roommates.”

Usually, that means the partnership has become almost entirely practical.

You may still work well together.

You may manage a home.

You may raise children.

You may pay bills and run errands.

But there is very little emotional or romantic connection left.

If that is where you are, start by creating moments that are not about responsibilities.

Talk about something besides the household.

Spend time together without accomplishing anything.

Touch each other.

Laugh together.

Ask questions.

Create room for the relationship itself.

Create New Experiences Together

Couples need something besides responsibilities.

You do not need an expensive vacation.

Try something simple.

• Visit a new restaurant.
• Take a day trip.
• Watch a series together.
• Start walking in the evenings.
• Cook something new.
• Go somewhere you have never been.
• Try a class together.
• Plan a weekend away.

Shared experiences create new memories and give couples something new to talk about.

Sometimes connection grows when couples stop repeating the exact same routine.

Don’t Wait Until You Feel Close to Start Reconnecting

This can feel backward.

You may think:

“Once I feel connected again, I’ll want to spend more time with my partner.”

But sometimes connection works in the opposite direction.

You begin spending meaningful time together first.

You begin talking again first.

You begin showing affection first.

You begin becoming curious again first.

Then the feelings begin to follow.

When Communication Problems Are Causing the Distance

Sometimes emotional distance grows because nearly every difficult conversation turns into an argument.

One partner may push harder while the other shuts down.

Both people may begin avoiding important conversations because they expect them to go badly.

Over time, avoiding conflict can also mean avoiding emotional intimacy.

If the two of you keep getting stuck in the same fights, read:

Why Couples Keep Having the Same Argument — and How to Break the Cycle

Learning to recognize your communication cycle can make it easier to feel safe enough to reconnect.

What If Trust Has Been Broken?

Emotional reconnection becomes more complicated when there has been betrayal, secrecy, or infidelity.

In that situation, closeness should not be rushed.

Emotional safety usually needs to come first.

The hurt partner may need honesty, transparency, consistency, accountability, and clear boundaries before emotional intimacy can begin to return.

If betrayal is part of your relationship, read:

How to Rebuild Trust After an Affair: What Actually Needs to Happen

Can You Fall Back in Love After Growing Apart?

Sometimes couples mistake emotional disconnection for the absence of love.

But love and connection are not exactly the same thing.

You can love someone deeply and still become emotionally distant from them.

Connection needs attention.

It needs responsiveness.

It needs curiosity.

It needs time.

If both partners are willing to become interested in each other again, address unresolved hurts, create meaningful time together, and respond differently to each other’s attempts for connection, the relationship can begin to feel different.

You are not trying to become the couple you were years ago.

You are discovering whether you can build a relationship that fits who you are now.